Children Aren’t Old Enough to Make Good Decisions?

Oftentimes, we as parents do not feel that kids are capable of making good decisions. We end up telling them what to do, how to do it, and when to do it! Essentially we are raising robots who do not learn to think for themselves, as we are not encouraging them to develop their critical thinking skills. How can we hope that they will make good decisions when they are older if we do not allow them to make both good and not so good ones when they are young.

New Idea: Give them Choices

So often we get stuck in a power struggle with our children. i can tell you right now that most kids (just like many adults) do not like to be told what to do. Here are some stories about giving choices to minimize power struggles.

Teaching Point:
There are different kinds of choices:

Concrete choices:
Would you like to set the table or clear the table?

Playful choices:
Would you like to hop to bed or have a piggy-back ride to bed?

Choice with incentives:
Would you like to finish your show and have one
book or go to bed now and have three books?

Choice with consequences, best with young kids;
Your choice is to hold on to the shopping cart or be
put back into the shopping cart.

When offering any choice add the phrase,
“It is your decision,” it helps children learn that life is based on the decisions they make.

Story: The Dentist Every Parent Wished For
I have been seeing this young patient for about one and a half years. He is almost seven years old. The first few times I was barely able to look in his mouth, even to do a simple exam. He was very squirmy and was constantly moving his arms and head. He would get very nervous when I would look in his mouth, closing it in a protective and nervous manner.

I had just attended an RCB class with Susie. This young boy was my first patient the next morning. From the first moment I saw him I started practicing my RCB techniques. We talked about why he thought it was important to go to the dentist and the different things a dentist does.
I thanked him for being on time to the appointment and asked him what would make it a nice appointment for him. Once he sat we talked about the different things that he could do to help during his visit. I asked him if he wanted to have a quick visit or a long visit. He said a quick visit. I told him I felt he made a good choice. We talked about the different things he could help me with to make it a quick visit. We decided that keeping his hands to his side and his head still were good ways to help. I gave him the choice to either keep his hands to the side, on his lap, or on the arm rests. He recommended different ways to position his head. He made the choice to keep his head very still and with his chin slightly elevated.

After each decision, he was very happy with himself and became more and more excited to start implementing the decisions that he had decided upon. During the course of the appointment, he kept asking me if he was being a good helper. Each time, i told him that he made a good decision and was sticking to his promises. The patient was very happy and seemed to be encouraging himself.

In our office, we have traditionally given prizes to children after the appointment. This is in disagreement with the RCB notion of not giving praise or rewards, however, it is something that seems to be an expectation in a dental office. After the appointment, the young boy asked me if he could get a prize. I asked him if he felt he deserved one. Very enthusiastically, he said yes. I asked him why and he told me because he was a good helper. I asked him what he did to help and he said that he followed directions and kept his hands and head where he had decided they would be at the beginning of our appointment. I told the young boy that if he felt he wanted or really needed a prize that he was welcome to take one. The difference between this visit and past visits was remarkable. The appointment went very smoothly with very few interruptions. The boy showed a great sense of accomplishment and increased self-confidence. He left with a big smile on his face instead of one of frustration and low- morale.

TIPS:
1. Have your kids start making decisions on negotiable events.

2. Give them two choices, and then say, “You make the decision.” Be sure to stick with it even if they want to change the choice.



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You can Discipline and Stay Close with Your Kids and Make a Great Family Team

Myth One: Discipline Creates Distance This myth is old, but true if you were raised in an autocratic household. In this type of household, the parent was the boss and if you did not obey you were punished. By the time you were a teen many of us were not that connected to our parents and we certainly did not share information with them about what was going on in our life. Do you know that the majority of teens want to go to their parents when they have a problem or concern? Mot of thme do not fear being yelled at, lectured, grounded, or knowing their parent will not sleep for the next three months if they do, so it is not worth going to them!


New Idea: You can Discipline and Stay Close with Your Kids and Make a Great Family Team
So, how do we discipline and stay connected? In that moment when you want to yell or you are so frustrated that you feel like spanking or putting kid's in 'time out', pause a moment. In that moment, take some deep breaths, or walk away for a few seconds to self-calm. Then ask yourself the question, "Do I want to create distance or closeness right now?"

Teaching Point:
We distance ourselves from our children when we yell, threaten, shame or blame them. An example is when we yell with an angry or frustrated tone, “How many times have I told you not to spill your milk!” That may take care of the problem, but they will feel disconnected from you.

There are other healthier ways of disciplining than yelling or spanking, which is what we often do when we are frustrated. The pause is important here because it allows us to respond to the situation instead of just reacting. In that pause some options are: take a deep breath, count to 10, take a sip of water, or maybe just get eye level with your child. Do what works best for you.

In that moment, think to yourself, “I can discipline and stay connected.” Instead of saying, “How many times have I told you not to spill your milk,” you might say, “Lets figure out a different way for you to be able to pour your milk and keep it from spilling.” Or, “Okay, so you spilled the milk, what needs to be done to get it cleaned up?”

Story: Chocolate Floor
My three-year old son and I were in the kitchen and he dropped a half-full container of Chocolate Nesquik mix on the kitchen floor. As taught in my Redirecting Children's Beahavior (RCB) class by Susie, instead of yelling at my child and creating distance, I paused a moment and took a deep breath. I then looked at him and said, “What do you need to do with that?” He proceeded to get the scooper and scooped up all of the chocolate mix off the floor. Then I handed him a spray bottle of water and he sprayed it all with water and scrubbed it. It was pretty cool.

TIPS:
1. Seek to understand before being understood, (be curious)
2. Remember to pause so you can respond instead of react
3. When pausing: breathe,count to ten, or step away for a moment.
4. Ask kids questions rather then telling them what to do.
5. Use mistakes as an opportunity to teach
6. Have fun
7. Breathe


Indigo Village
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Create Change by Investing in Yourself!

Just for a moment imagine being a part of a shared experience, along with many others in your community who care about change…being part of a grassroots movement that could affect the world in a decisive and positive way.

I recently heard about a neat-sounding conference called “It Takes a Village to Create Change.” This annual event is being held Saturday, November 6, 2010 at the University of San Diego; the goal of the organization is to create positive change in individuals and the community by transforming self, family, personal relationships, community and the world. An ambitious goal, but change must start somewhere, after all. I just love the purpose put forth by this group at Indigo Village who even created a non-profit foundation in order to assist those who cannot afford the many excellent self-development and parenting programs they provide.

The keynote speaker is someone everyone is talking about (at least in my circles). After watching his TED speech, I immediately bought Simon Sinek’s newly released book, “Start With Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone to Take Action.” This is an amazingly articulate man with an interesting quantification of a very simple idea – a powerful paradigm shift that could help many businesses and individuals become more successful, influential, and inspirational. Click here to learn more and see Simon’s TED speech – and prepare to get psyched to see him in person!

In addition to the amazing keynote speaker, the breakout sessions should further prove to be insightful and educational. Indigo Village has put together an outstanding lineup: several doctors are speaking, a clinical nutritionist, psychologists, parenting experts, and life coaches, among others. Topics range from exploring how thinking affects success, life and money, dealing with life’s natural cycle of pain and healing, raising happy children, how to build a green community, raising spirited kids, exploring your relationship with food, helping tweens deal with hormones, cyber-bullying of youths, couples communication, and “flat earth” medicine.

I also want to say that I have personally taken many of the programs offered by Indigo Village (Redirecting Children’s Behavior, The Remembrance Course, Freedom to Be), and they are all excellent, even a catalyst for healing, and worth checking into www.indigovillage.com.
Tickets are discounted if you buy them ahead of time, and include continental breakfast and lunch. Check out www.villageconference.com for information, to buy tickets, or to make a donation. Let the change begin with yourself!

Indigo Village
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Speaking from your heart, A Universal Language

 

Last week I received a call from my friend, Colena, who I have known for the past 10 years through playing basketball together and as a graduate of the RCB parenting course. She asked me if I would come and be a guest speaker to this group of Women.  This, however, was no ordinary group of Women.

As it turns out, my friend had gotten involved in a Women’s Leadership Program at UCSD.  This particular program was housing approximately 14 Women Community Leaders from within several Latin American Countries.  The US Embassy’s in each Country had recognized and chosen them to partake in this one week Women Empowerment Leadership retreat. I was honored that Colena had thought of me and I graciously accepted her invitation. Shortly after accepting the speaking engagement, she informed me that out that out of 14 women with whom I would be speaking to, none of them spoke English. Needless to say, I would be speaking via an interpreter.

I spent almost a full day with these women. The majority of them had traveled from their indigenous villages in countries like Chile, Venezuela, Argentina, Bolivia, Columbia and Mexico.  I watched carefully as each Woman shared their story. As I simultaneously listened to our interpreter and his slightly delayed translations through my earpiece, I noticed that despite their stories of repression, abuse and lack of access to formal education, these women showed intelligence, power and compassion.

They talked about things such as oneness and how all of us our connected.  One woman went on to explain that “race” is only something that we as a society have developed in order to discriminate and distinguish among people of different color.  She ended by saying that the only true race is the human race and we must all come together if we want to make a difference in this world.

It was easy to see why these women had been chosen.  Each of them possessed an incredible amount of courage and ability to speak from their hearts.  As each woman stood and shared their unique story, none of them held back the raw emotion that accompanied their life experiences. Even for someone like me, whose Spanish vocabulary is very limited could connect with and appreciate the display of humanness right in front of me. This rawness of human emotion is what made it possible for each and every one of us to immediately open and connect through our hearts. I didn’t need an interpreter to understand what these women had gone through to get here.  It was clear that they all had a story, a purpose and a passion.

When I got up to speak, I told them about my own journey with my family, my sons and the impact I had hoped to make in this world. Though the barriers of our two languages were clearly present, it was also clear that the same barriers didn’t apply when we spoke through our hearts. No matter what language you speak, or what part of the world you come from, everyone and anyone was able to recognize this heart-centered, universal language.

At the end of the day, I went to bed thinking about what it means to speak from your heart. I realized that for most of us, this would probably be one of the most uncomfortable things you can think of.  Yet these women, amongst their peers and a couple of strangers, demonstrated this with ease and grace.

It was one of the most powerful things I had ever seen.  There were no worries about what other people thought, no second-guessing themselves, just emotion in its truest form.  It was if they had found freedom in the ability to feel, to connect and for a few of them to love again.  I would like to think that these women learned as much from me as I did from them that day. It was incredibly inspiring  to experience them having a voice and being vulnerable and trusting enough to share their story.

May each of you reading this take the time to consciously share this universal language with someone you come in contact with today.

 –Susie Walton 

The Importance of working through Core Issues before pregnancy.

All parents want the best for their children. When I had my first child at the age of 24 I knew I wanted the best for him, however, I never took the time to ask myself, “What does wanting the best for my child really mean to me?”  When I finally sat down and asked myself this question, I realized that what I wanted for my child and what I was able to provide for my child were two different things.  

The fact is we all have limiting beliefs that are developed by the age of 7. In my book, Key to Personal Freedom, How Myths Affect Our Family Lives, I give examples of some of these limiting beliefs. One example that many of us can identify with is the belief that 'Mistakes' are Bad.

If you can think back to when you were a child, and remember getting in trouble whenever you made a mistake ex: spilled your milk or didn't make it to the bathroom on time, there is a good chance you have the belief that mistakes are bad. So the way that this mistaken belief gets implemented with your kids is when someone makes a mistake, especially when you are tired... there goes your serenity and we often end up yelling at our kids.

Another myth I often see is 'A good parent never thinks of her or him self first". If this is a belief of yours you will end up stressed out and not having a whole lot of fun raising your kids.

This is why I find it extremely important to do some personal growth work before baby comes, (or for those of you who already have kids the sooner the better). At Indigo Village, we have a weekend seminar called, The Remembrance Course. The sole purpose of this course is for you to experience the freedom of letting go of core issues and limiting beliefs and replacing them with new beliefs that will give you the freedom to create the life and the family of your dreams.

I recommend this course to just about all the couples and families that I see in my practice.  In gaining some awareness around your core issues, we are then able to look at new beliefs we would like to create in order to produce the outcome that we desire the most. Some new beliefs you would want to anchor in from our previous examples is that 'Mistakes' are actually wonderful opportunities to learn and grow from, or that taking care of yourself helps you be a better parent.

Ultimately, what gets in the way of allowing our kids to experience their own journey is us! These limiting beliefs get in the way of parenting our children the way we want to parent. Being proactive about your core beliefs is a responsibility that every parent should think about for themselves and for their family.  –Susie Walton

The Importance of Partnership between Home and School

The word “Partnership” is a beautiful one and carries with it, so many meanings for so many people. So how do we establish a common idea of partnership? It takes communication, it takes time & effort and it takes a willingness to be partners. The foundation for such a partnership should be the mutual belief that each party has your child’s best interest at heart. In order to establish this belief, time and energy needs to be put into formulating and growing the relationship between home and school.  Some suggestions for doing so are:

1. Take the time - to insure you understand the philosophies of the school’s programs and curriculum.
2. Participate – Participate in school meetings and events. Meetings are designed to take care of your questions and concerns, to provide you further knowledge of how the classroom and school operate and to allow you the opportunity to create relationships with your child’s teachers and other parents whose children are enrolled in your child’s class. School events enrich your experience of the school. Socializing with one another is a wonderful opportunity to relate with all members of the community and to develop relationships at a deeper level.
3. Enroll in Redirecting Children’s Behavior & Participate in Parent Education Programs – By doing so, it allows consistency & continuity to be created between home and school and a common language can be established.
4. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate – Any time you have a question, concern or idea, please make the time to speak to your child’s teacher, an administrator or anyone who can successfully assist you in coming to a conclusion that will work in the best interest of everyone involved. Communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. With communication – All things are possible; Without it – Nothing is.

Village Gate Children’s Academy is a partner with Indigo Village. Partnership is a cornerstone of our program. Village Gate Children’s Academy serves children Kindergarten through Sixth Grade with Academic Year Programs and Summer Programs. We invite you to find out more by attending our Open House on June 10^th at 6:30 PM at Indigo Village or visit our website at: www.villagegateacademy.com.

Parents, don't overbook your family this Summer!

It's easy to overbook your family during the Summer months. Camps and family vacations are a good thing and at the same time it's important to balance these activities out with free time.  Here are some suggestions on creating a balanced summer with your family.

Open up your Calendar
Print out your calendar and show it to your kids.  Start filling in the dates and activities that you already have planned and look for ways to balance out the scheduled activities with free time.  Free time can be as simple as going to the beach or local park. Whatever you do, make sure your kids have to time to develop self- direction and self-motivation on how they would like to spend their free time versus someone organizing it for them or telling them what to do.

Develop a Family Vacation with Guidelines
Before you head off for your family adventure, find some general guidelines that will ensure your family will get the most out of the trip.  Ask everyone, "What are some of the things you would like to see or do?" This will clarify what your plans will look like and everyone feels like they have will have some success. Don't forget to include down time and create a plan that works for everyone.

Take time for yourself
Planning is great and in the end, you don't want to get overwhelmed.  Model for your kids that self-care is important and take some time out for yourself.  A walk around the neighborhood, a hike or even a bath (by yourself).