You can Discipline and Stay Close with Your Kids and Make a Great Family Team

Myth One: Discipline Creates Distance This myth is old, but true if you were raised in an autocratic household. In this type of household, the parent was the boss and if you did not obey you were punished. By the time you were a teen many of us were not that connected to our parents and we certainly did not share information with them about what was going on in our life. Do you know that the majority of teens want to go to their parents when they have a problem or concern? Mot of thme do not fear being yelled at, lectured, grounded, or knowing their parent will not sleep for the next three months if they do, so it is not worth going to them!


New Idea: You can Discipline and Stay Close with Your Kids and Make a Great Family Team
So, how do we discipline and stay connected? In that moment when you want to yell or you are so frustrated that you feel like spanking or putting kid's in 'time out', pause a moment. In that moment, take some deep breaths, or walk away for a few seconds to self-calm. Then ask yourself the question, "Do I want to create distance or closeness right now?"

Teaching Point:
We distance ourselves from our children when we yell, threaten, shame or blame them. An example is when we yell with an angry or frustrated tone, “How many times have I told you not to spill your milk!” That may take care of the problem, but they will feel disconnected from you.

There are other healthier ways of disciplining than yelling or spanking, which is what we often do when we are frustrated. The pause is important here because it allows us to respond to the situation instead of just reacting. In that pause some options are: take a deep breath, count to 10, take a sip of water, or maybe just get eye level with your child. Do what works best for you.

In that moment, think to yourself, “I can discipline and stay connected.” Instead of saying, “How many times have I told you not to spill your milk,” you might say, “Lets figure out a different way for you to be able to pour your milk and keep it from spilling.” Or, “Okay, so you spilled the milk, what needs to be done to get it cleaned up?”

Story: Chocolate Floor
My three-year old son and I were in the kitchen and he dropped a half-full container of Chocolate Nesquik mix on the kitchen floor. As taught in my Redirecting Children's Beahavior (RCB) class by Susie, instead of yelling at my child and creating distance, I paused a moment and took a deep breath. I then looked at him and said, “What do you need to do with that?” He proceeded to get the scooper and scooped up all of the chocolate mix off the floor. Then I handed him a spray bottle of water and he sprayed it all with water and scrubbed it. It was pretty cool.

TIPS:
1. Seek to understand before being understood, (be curious)
2. Remember to pause so you can respond instead of react
3. When pausing: breathe,count to ten, or step away for a moment.
4. Ask kids questions rather then telling them what to do.
5. Use mistakes as an opportunity to teach
6. Have fun
7. Breathe


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