FEELINGS: The good, the bad and the ugly.

In my 20 years of teaching, there are a few distinctively “Susie” things that you will always hear me say. Whether I am teaching, coaching or speaking to groups of educators, there are usually a handful of quotes that relate well to my philosophies around parenting.

“It Takes a Village to raise a child” by Mother Teresa is one of them. Another fact that I love to tell parents is, “Over 95% of what our kids learn is by what they are modeled.”  Now this last fact can be rather intimidating for a lot of parents. My generation, along with others, have been brought up to believe in the old adage “Do as I say, not as I do.” but this simply does not work when it comes to parenting. Even more intimidating is when this rule applies to teaching your children about feelings and how to handle emotions.

Let’s face it, most of us parents aren’t comfortable with our own feelings. It’s one thing to teach your kids how to brush their teeth and it’s another to teach them about feelings. That being said, it poses a very important question, “How do you, as a parent, model what it looks like to have feelings and handle emotions?”

When children start to develop their feelings, they experience the whole spectrum of feelings. Happy, sad, hurt, excited, jealous, etc. Parents usually don’t mind when their child is experiencing happy feelings. In fact they will go to great lengths to ensure their child’s happiness. Know that this is a natural reaction to want to “protect” your child from these “bad” feelings but you may be doing more harm than good.

Feelings are feelings. They aren’t right or wrong, just feelings. When children are feeling anything but good, parents will often think there is something wrong with their child or want to fix them. When in reality, they are just feeling and actually there is no need to move them out of the feeling unless they are harming themselves or others because they haven’t learned how to express it in a healthy way.  One of the best things you could do for your child is to let them experience the whole spectrum of feelings, from happiness to sadness, joy to anger. There are two things that you’ll want to take into consideration here. One is how you can model feelings for your child and the second is guiding your child to manage their own feelings.

A somewhat typical example of modeling feelings for your child would be if you came home from a long and hard day at the office.  You could get angry and start yelling at your significant other and/or children. This would in turn be modeling for your kids that when we are upset, it’s okay to yell.  Instead, what you could try is coming home and saying to your family, “I’ve had a really hard and stressful day at work and I’m feeling grumpy. I’m going to take a bath or go for a run so that I can take care of myself.”  This allows you the opportunity to model for your kids that feeling grumpy is okay. It also models for them what it looks like to take care of themselves.

The second would be guiding your child on how they can start to manage their own feelings.  If your child is visibly angry and hits his sister, you might say, “I can see that you’re really mad right now and it’s not okay to hit your sister. What would be another way you could let her know that you’re angry without hitting her?” If the child persist then you might say, “What do you need to take care of yourself right now?” 

These questions will guide your child to healthier, alternative ways that they can start to express their feelings and emotions. When we talk our kids out of their feelings, we are taking away a beautiful opportunity for them to grow and learn. As parents, we want to give our kids every advantage in life.  This includes allowing them to feel all their emotions.  It’s where they develop their love, resilience, passion and understanding but it starts with you.

There are a lot of wonderful tools out there from books to courses for parents who are struggling to model/teach their children about feelings. Some of the tools that I offer are the Redirecting Children’s Behavior (RCB) classes for parents and children along with my “Key To Personal Freedom” course. In addition, there are personal development courses for adults such as the “Freedom to Be” Course and the “Remembrance Course” offered through the Indigo Village website. For more information on these classes, you can visit www.indigovillage.com for details.

Hibernation and the Holidays

I think it’s safe to say that most people associate the Holidays with being busy, feeling rushed, overwhelmed and pressed for time. Whether you’re dealing with Holiday Parties, packed malls or School fundraisers and Christmas plays, you’ll definitely benefit from doing what 90% of the animals on this planet do most during this time of year, Hibernate and SLOW DOWN!  

The days are shorter and it becomes natural for our bodies to want to slow down. Here are some ideas for you and your family as you head into the rush of the Holiday Season.

1) Limit the amount of Holiday gatherings you and your family attend

One idea is to have each person in your family pick one thing they would like to do together as a Family. This will ensure that everyone gets the opportunity to enjoy something that makes the Holidays special for them. You can plan little things like decorating the tree or bigger events like going to see a Christmas movie. Whatever you choose, make sure to pick wisely and stick with your choices.

2) Understand and Manage your child’s limitations

Your children have their breaking point just like you do.  If you know your (child)ren will only last an hour at your friends Christmas Party, then only plan to stay an hour.  Signs that your child/ren are getting close to their breaking point are when they become agitated, tired, hungry, sick, whining or fighting. Know your child’s limits and plan accordingly.

3) Have weekly family meetings

Keep to your family meetings.  When you gather together each week, make sure you plan plenty of down time. It will help with the slowing down process and give you and your family time to relax and de-stress. I especially like this process because it models for our children what it looks like to practice self-care and calming.

4) Sponsor a family in need

While most families are gathering around opening presents on Christmas morning, there are still plenty of families who are less fortunate and could use some help this Holiday Season. Sponsoring a Family for the Holidays is a great opportunity to teach your child/ren the importance of giving.  Have them pick out an item they wish to give to the family and keep them involved in the process as much as possible. Soon, their curiosity and capacity for compassion will grow.

The Journey Into Why: A Chat with Simon Sinek October 2010

The Journey Into Why: A Chat with Simon Sinek

October 2010

by Marcie Peters

What inspires people to accomplish, succeed, lead, and try to change the world? What motivates people to make certain decisions? With copious consumer choices, how do you find and keep loyal customers? What makes someone a leader?

One of the most sought-after speakers in America today, Simon Sinek, has been intent on formulating the answers to such questions. Simon, who is slated to speak in San Diego on November 6, 2010 at the University of San Diego (Joan Kroc Institute of Peace and Justice) for the Indigo Village charity foundation, is the author of the book released in 2009: Start With Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone to Take Action. He is a marketing and leadership expert, prolific writer, and charismatic speaker featured on MSNBC, CNN, National Public Radio, Success Television and TED.com (see Simon’s TED speech). Simon graciously took a few moments from his hectic schedule to elaborate on the message that has been sweeping the country.

Q: Simon, I understand that this has been a very personal journey for you. Could you tell us your story and how you came up with the idea for "Why"? 

A: My journey started about four and a half years ago when I lost my passion for what I was doing. From all superficial standards I should have felt great about what I was doing – I owned my own business, which was going well and had amazing clients and produced quality work…but I didn’t feel like getting out of bed in the morning. Through a lucky confluence of events, I discovered a pattern: all great and inspiring leaders and organizations exist on three levels: what they do, how they do it, and why they do it. I realized that I knew what I did and how I did it but didn’t know why I did it. I became obsessed with this idea. Until I knew why I couldn’t be whole. Then I discovered that this idea was not just a theory but was based on biology [reference to the Golden Circle: the limbic brain – the decision-making part of the brain that governs behavior, trust and loyalty – and how it corresponds to why].

Once I realized my why – to inspire people to do what inspires them – I stopped talking about what I do, and began telling people about what I believe instead. Not only did it restore my passion, but it started having a profound effect on my career. I shared the idea with friends and they started making changes in their lives, and they invited me to share it with their friends. People kept inviting me to share with them what I had learned. And for me, the challenge was no longer what to do but how to I find all the great ways to bring this to life. And that set in motion what is now a very surreal life. I now receive two to four speaking requests per day. Prior to four years ago, the amount of speaking I did was minimal. There’s nothing more incredible, more fulfilling than being able to share something that has so profoundly changed my life with others. I get emails, I hear and see the impact of this message. I don’t think I invented anything; I put words to something that makes it actionable. To be able to share this with others is the greatest journey there can be. 

  

Q: What is your inspiration? 

A: The thing that inspires me is the thing I give to the world. Ninety percent of people don’t feel fulfilled by the work that they do. And I’ve been there, I’ve been a part of that ninety percent… but I think that number is way too high. I understand that the world is imperfect, but that number is way too high. I want to see that number reversed; I want to live in a world where ninety percent of people feel fulfilled by the work they do and the life they live. That is now my absolute devotion - to connect with people, find and encourage the leaders and organizations that can help change that statistic. To find the organizations that start with why and create cultures where people love to work there. Anyone who wants to can carry the message and join the movement – we are going to change the world and reverse that statistic. 

Q: How do you think your message differs from old adages such as "follow your dreams" or "do what you love" or "find your passion and the money will follow"?

A: It’s all true but my message is more actionable.  The only people who say to do what you love are already doing what they love. We all know to follow our passions – it’s true, that’s not the problem. But how is it actionable? If we knew how to do it, we would all do it. It’s not the theoretical construct that’s the problem. The problem is that people don’t know how to follow their dreams or find what they love. What you love or are passionate about comes from somewhere and is grounded in something. I want to help people get to that place and find that thing [their why].

Q: What has been the biggest surprise or lesson to you on this journey?

A: The biggest surprise is that regardless of who I speak with - military or non-profit or individuals or entrepreneurs - all the problems are exactly the same. They are all human being problems. People are all looking for fulfillment and to find others who believe what they believe, people they can trust, and to feel a part of something. Every organization likes to believe that their problems are unique, but I’ve learned they are all the same at the core. 

Q: What is the best way for college students to utilize or implement your message?

A: College students are at a unique crossroads because their “why” is not fully formed. Most students ask themselves the wrong question. Instead of asking what do I want to do, the question is why do I do what I do? Once you answer this question, they can apply it. College students should evaluate why they like certain professors, what clubs do they love being a part of, what about the college experience do they love, who are their mentors and why? Start noticing the commonalities. The earlier you start figuring this out, the more fulfillment you can have for the rest of your life. And ultimately that will lead to greater success and happiness. 

Q: What is the best way for parents to integrate and pass on this philosophy to their children??

A: To talk about it. A husband and a wife can explicitly pass on beliefs and values to their children. The more explicit the parents are about their values and beliefs, the more they will get passed on to their kids. 

Q: What does faith mean to you?

A: Faith in yourself, in religion, and in others are all the same thing: undying belief. Faith is undying belief in wanting to be part of a cause. The more you can find and surround yourself with people who believe what you believe, the more you have undying faith, which is a source of charisma. Charisma is the undying belief in something that is bigger than yourself. Those with deep faith have charisma. 

Q: How do you see this movement progressing?

A: Fast and big! What is important to me is that the message/movement goes automatically. I’m not the only one who can do it or should do it. Those who believe what I believe should take up arms and pass it on to others. The way the movement will grow is by not having to be about me – it’s bigger than any one person. 

To see Simon Sinek in person and hear more about his journey into Why and how it’s changing the world, plan on attending Indigo Village’s annual ‘It Takes A Village to Create Change’ conference being held November 6, 2010. Simon’s keynote speech will be followed by a question and answer forum. You’ll also have access to 17 breakout sessions by leaders in the field of health, nutrition, self-empowerment, parenting, and more.  

Founded in 2005 by Susie Walton (who has raised five boys including L.A. Laker Luke Walton), Indigo Village is committed to inspiring positive change and peace in the community and the world by empowering individuals, families and parents through education, personal development, holistic health modalities, and life-changing experiences. To learn more about the event and the non-profit Indigo Village Educational Foundation, to purchase event tickets, or to donate to the cause, call 760-633-3754 or visit www.villageconference.com.

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Myth: Children are Not Very Capable

For different reasons we often do not think our kids are very capable and as a result we end up doing too many things for them. The more you do for your child the more you weaken your child. If we view our kids as not capable how will they be capable teens and adults? They will end up looking to others for guidance and not within, which is where the true answer lies.

New Idea:

Kids are Capable. Be Willing to Ask for Their Advice

Walton Story by Susie

Christopher is the youngest of my sons. When he was in fourth grade he loved rollerblading. One day I asked him to teach me how to rollerblade. He was very patient in teaching me and we had a blast. Later on, he asked his older brother Luke if he wanted to learn. Luke did, so outside they went. When they came back in the house you could see how happy Christopher was feeling having taught his mom and older brother how to rollerblade.

Teaching Point:

Kids love to be helpful if given the chance at a young age. Give children age-appropriate opportunities to help around the house. At early ages, children want to help with the dusting, the cooking, the table setting, and the cleaning. This is the easiest and best time to teach children these skills. It is helpful to the whole family and will be helpful to them when they move out and begin life on their own. At first, it will take a little bit longer to show them how to dry the pan, how to fold the hand towel, how to put the napkins around the table, or how to dust the coffee table, but the dividends are well worth the investment.

TIPS:

1. Have your children teach you something new.

2. Ask their advice on a problem.

3. Be willing to let your kids help you. No need to play

'supermom' or 'superdad'

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Children Misbehave Because They are Spoiled or Bad

This belief will put a lot of pressure on you as the parent because you will view the child's behavior as a reflection of you. As a  result you will end up either threatening or punishing your child for their behavior, which may remove the symptom, but not deal with the real source of the behavior.

New Idea:

Children Misbehave Because Their Needs are Not Being Met

We are the only species in the world that need more than food, water and shelter to survive. As a human being we need to feel a sense of importance, a sense of belonging, to feel love, and that we are valued. I feel parents of a long time ago had an easier job with this principle. Most kids didn't go to school past 14 because they were in needed in the family business, whatever that may have been. If they were in school it was a one-room school with older kids helping out younger kids. During the harvest time schools would close because the kids were needed out in the fields.

What about today? Where do our kids get that sense of importance and belonging? One of the reasons I feel gangs are so prevalent today is because kids want to belong. You see it when your six or seven-year-old first joins a team. The most important thing to them is the uniform! We love to belong.

Teaching Point:

The more discouraged kids become the more they will act out. It does not mean you should let them get away with their behavior. You will be more present and respectful handling it if you understand that the misbehavior is your child communicating that one of his or her basic needs are not being fulfilled. These will show up as four different goals of behavior. These four goals are: attention, power, revenge, and inadequacy. 

Goal of Attention:

Children with the goal of attention have a mistaken belief that the more time the parent spends with them, the more the parent loves them. With the goal of attention, you as the parent or adult will feel annoyed or irritated. This child can be both very charming and drive you crazy.  A key word to describe these types of children is engaging as they equate love with keeping their parent busy with them. Read the rest of the story in Susie Walton's book "Key to personal freedom" How Myths Affect our Family Lives

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Indigo Village Educational Foundation Event

Come help support families and educational programing on our community at the Indigo Village Educational Foundation fundraising event called "It Takes a Village to Create Change".  This event takes place November 6, 2010 at the Joan Kroc Institute of Peace and Justice at the University of San Diego (5998 Alcala Park) from 8:30am - 4:30pm.


Want to know more about this Organization?  The Organization is called the Indigo Village Educational Foundation and they are based in Encinitas, CA. Their president, Susie Walton, has been a local parenting expert in the San Diego area for over 20 years. She happens to also be the Mother of Los Angeles Laker, Luke Walton, who also grew up in SD.



This event "It Takes a Village to Create Change" started 3 years ago with the infamous saying, "It takes a village to raise a child." This is Susie's favorite quote as she has built Indigo Village and the Foundation in order to support families and educational programing on our community. The Foundation holds fundraisers throughout the year in order to raise funds to go towards scholarships in programs like our "Redirecting Children's Behavior" Parenting Program and our "Remembrance Course" Personal Development Program.  All scholarship recipients have to go through an application process and are targeted towards communities where access and funding of these types of programs are limited. We believe that change starts with us.  Their mantra is, "Work with children and impact one child at a time. Work with parents and impact generations."


Simon Sinek will be their keynote speaker for this event.  He has a pretty large presence on the East Coast. He is a leadership expert, Author of "Start With Why" and is a columnist for various publications.  He will be talking about his message of "How great leaders inspire action" and how it ties into the sustainability of a movement, such as the Foundation's cause.



Here are just a few things to look forward to when you purchase your ticket.

• 45 minute Keynote Presentation by leadership expert and Author of "Start With Why", Simon Sinek! Along with a 45 minute Question and Answer Forum! Simon has been featured on: CNN, TED.com and Success Television!
• Access to over 17 workshop break-out sessions by our hand-picked professional presenters
• Continental Breakfast and full Lunch
• Access to over 15 Exhibitors and their services and products
• Photography Exhibit on site, featuring "Stirring the Fire" a global movement to empower Women and Girls.
• Gift bags with offers and opportunities from local businesses and organizations
• A chance to network with professionals and organizations committed to creating positive change in our community.
• Much, much more!

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Creating Families through Adoption: Handling the "Abandonment" Word

This featured workshop will be one of many at "It Takes a Village to Create Change" conference 

Description:

Parents are asked “Why?” by their children about almost everything. Parents who adopt may have an additional “why” asked of them. “Why am I not with her?” or “Why did she give me up?” or “Why was I abandoned?” Along with these questions come intense, complex and ambiguous emotions for everyone in the family. In this powerful workshop – for parents and for adoption professionals – you gain clarity and insights to assist you in handling emotional issues, in talking about adoption with your child, and in handling the "why" so that you may move beyond the “abandonment” word.

Biographical Sketch – Maggie Macaulay, MS Ed, the owner of Whole Hearted Parenting in Miramar, Florida, has assisted parents in creating cooperative, peaceful homes for over a decade. She teaches the Redirecting Children’s BehaviorTM Course, trains course instructors and leads RCB South Florida, a team of certified parent educators serving Broward, Palm Beach and Miami-Dade Counties. Maggie is a certified coach and a featured parenting expert on NBC 6’s South Florida Today as well as for the online sites Parental Wisdom and New Baby. Maggie created and facilitates Whole Hearted Adoption, a full-day workshop that explores myths and beliefs about parenthood, adoption and family building. Maggie is a certified facilitator of the Freedom to Be course through Your Infinite Life Training and Coaching Company, and she is the recipient of the 2008 American Business Women's Association Spirit of Excellence Parent Educator of the Year Award. You may reach Maggie at 954-483-8021 or through www.WholeHeartedParenting.com and 

maggie_macaulay@msn.com.

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